A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.