Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.