A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
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Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo