Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

💀

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”