A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
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Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?