A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
