Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

I’m too immature for adultery.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.