A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
whatcha thinkin bout
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!