A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me