@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

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@_NinJar

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

@SondraDeeMe

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

@treydayway

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

@roxiqt

Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman

@mattsurely

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

@WildeThingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@JTQuest

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.