A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

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“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*


I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.


Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials


Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman


*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”


This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.