A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
If you love someone, let them sleep.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.