A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

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Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.


I’m gonna have a secret lair that consists of toilets and sinks. It’ll be called “John Sinclair’s john and sink lair”


My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”


do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?


My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.


I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.


Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.


14 year olds be talkin bout “im a dom,” son the only thing u should be dominating is that geometry test tomorrow get studying


me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you