A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️