A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
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I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.