A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out