Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

🤣

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?