A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I know karate and tons of other words.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
trivia
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.