A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
so weird how every mom was born today
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids