unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
😏😏😏
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store