Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

I put the h in mysterious.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy