A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
at ease…shoulder.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.