A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
