A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”