@AnnietheNanny1

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

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@kelkulus

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

@kevinseccia

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

@markydoodoo

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

@Fred_Delicious

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

@moooooog35

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

@TheAlexNevil

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

@LlamaInaTux

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath