@AnnietheNanny1

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

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@HiddleDeeDee

6: Mom, I’m going to be a Navy pilot or a SEAL. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to work at Subway.

It’s all about the backup plan, people.

@garrydavenport

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

@MCaparco

“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”

“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”

@EtobicokeErnie

My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

@aka_fatman

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.

@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

@_InsanelyNormal

I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…

@BGH70

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.