@kelkulus
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
@AnnietheNanny1
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
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@kelkulus
@kevinseccia
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
@calvinstowell
she has a point
@markydoodoo
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
@browneyedgirlAM
“No sex tonight, I just put on clean sheets.”
-marriage
@PearlsFromMyrna
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
@Fred_Delicious
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
@moooooog35
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
@TheAlexNevil
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
@LlamaInaTux
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath