A leaf blower, but for people.
You Might Also Like
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.