A leaf blower, but for people.
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them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.