A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can