A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
The three genders
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Support your local cemetery
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie