A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.