Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

This squirrel eats better than I do

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

I’m turning the tables on “big beef” and from here on out I’m only eating beef fed grass!

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*