A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
lol
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Proctologist = Analyst
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?