A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
You Might Also Like
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
😭😭
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.