A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*