A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
the rocks need my help
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
🤣😂🤣😂
Just how popey was the pope today?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
