A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
philosophical skeletons be like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
