A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
You Might Also Like
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Meow?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.