A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book