A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
You Might Also Like
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
So inspired right now.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.