A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar