A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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put ‘er there pardner!
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
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date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.