A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS