A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?