Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Cannot stop laughing at this

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

How long do you have to wait between naps?

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika