A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
With all the fake information out there I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end