A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
You Might Also Like
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows