Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Follow me for more fitness tips.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Best mom ever 😂

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!