A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
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Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Ah..makes sense now
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape