A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself