Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.