Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

never forget

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Gods work.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts