Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole