A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Short story
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
