A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
