A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
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When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.