A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.