Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was rare, like a goth jogging

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn