A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
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[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!