A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
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My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.