Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Best seat on the street 😍

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore