Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

i can’t wait that long

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.