Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

My wife gives the best headache.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.