A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
sign of the times 🖊
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*