A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
why isn’t he texting back
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Just a bush.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when