A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you