A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
You Might Also Like
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.