Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

ㅤ

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

I’m Sold!

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.