Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Another interesting #factupdates post!

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.