Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

i will not be silenced

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again