Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

any last words?

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]