A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip![]()
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Jogging
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.