Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5