A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Ah yes. The three genders
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
they should create new variants of dopamine
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…