A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Not recommended for beginners.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.