A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
#dalle2
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.