Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.