A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
(Musicians.)
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’M CRYINGGG
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Investing in beetcoin
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding