Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

#Caturday

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit