Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

We have a winner.

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.