A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I put the mess in domestic.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
SCARY COSTUME
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined