Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.